When we cause pain through our actions
When we embark on the journey of understanding life after receiving an ADHD diagnosis, it can transport us into a state of confusion and introspection.
There's no denying that some of our behaviours, shaped by our ADHD, have caused pain to ourselves and others.
Often, we, along with others, judged these behaviours through a neurotypical lens. We were labelled as lazy, unkind, or selfish.
A little story
I know a 12 year old girl who attends a special needs school. She was telling me about her new school and then different classes. She told me
“ there is one class where the children throw chairs, but that isn’t because they are naughty or mean it is because they don’t know how to express their emotions.”
Not only was my mind blown at the level of empathy this young lady possessed it is also the most beautiful illustration of how being able to apply a different lens allows us to have empathy for ourselves or others.
Empathy
Empathy means being able to put yourself in another’s shoes and understand the perspective from which they see the world.
When we start to understand our ADHD we can start viewing ourselves through a different lens, without that understanding it is impossible to do so and therefore very hard to truly have empathy without judgment.
We didn’t want to shout at our children to upset them, AND we were tired, frustrated with a mistake earlier in the day and emotionally dysregulated.
We didn’t want to be stuck on our sofa doom scrolling AND you were so overwhelmed by the task you needed to do, plus time blind, you didn’t realise what you were actually doing
We didn’t want to turn up late AND when you have challenges with executive functioning getting out of the house is more complex.
But what about the impact on others
However, finding empathy for ourselves in these situations doesn’t undermine the impact our actions had on others. But what it does allow is an understanding with ourselves. With this knowledge we can make a concious choice on what we want to do
Repair for the impact
Share perspective
Create awareness
Because when we change the lens through which we view our actions, the meaning we attach to these behaviours changes, and consequently, our relationship with ourselves evolves. We can then take action driven from a place of awareness and understanding rather than one driven by fear and shame.
I can acknowledge the impact of my actions from their perspective AND simultaneously develop an understanding of my own perspective.
I can hold empathy for myself AND want to repair the pain caused
I can understand their perspective AND hold a different perspective
All these realities can co-exist. It is not about proving one side is right or wrong, it is the acknowledgment of both.
Yet when we don’t have the empathy and understanding for ourself we’ll always driven by fear and shame and therefore unable to truly take accountability.
How can ADHD coaching support this journey
Engaging in ADHD coaching doesn’t imply that you are 'making excuses' for your behaviours. Rather, it means that you are taking steps to develop a deeper understanding of these behaviours and yourself so that you can be accountable.
You are learning about your why’s.
You are learning to take a zoomed out perspective and see the bigger picture of all that is going on for you.
You are learning to connect with yourself.
You are learning tools and techniques to help your ADHD brain work how it was designed in a way that serves you.
And you are learning to form your own perspective and understanding of self.
And this is the foundation of beginning to build confidence through self-trust, learning how to navigate your world and identify your needs.
More importantly, it means that during those instances when things don't go as planned, you are equipped to find empathy for yourself and others, paving the way for repair and reconciliation.
